Saturday, March 24, 2012

Chasing your dreams is harder than running 4 miles every day

I’ve been stupid and lazy for like the past month, and it feels like I am betraying myself. The only thing I’ve done right is running every day.  I feel like I running is just an easy way to prove that I’m not completely wasting my life because it’s something I know I can do.

I sit down to draw comics and I just doodle stupid crap, usually characters for Robin in the City, and I wonder if I was working on that I would feel more compelled to work every day after I do commissioned work. before I know it, four hours are gone and I have to go to bed or I just don’t want to draw anymore. Or is it music that is really calling to me?

Then I stay up until 2AM. I could at least stay up reading, but the book I’m reading is about following your dreams and it kills me, because I know that’s what I should be doing right now. I know all the answers, and yet when I get up to work I just go sit on the back porch and look at the dirt and my toes. Or I go downstairs and play piano, and sometimes I’ll write a song, which is good, but not usually.

I’m getting my paid work done but that’s not fulfilling in the same way. It’s art but it’s about as fulfilling as any part time day job. I know what I want to do, I want to tell stories. This is supposedly my passion. So why can’t I be so vigorous as to fulfill myself? 

Most of the time, when I feel bad about my career or think I’m failing, I think it stems less from being unpublished, less from being unemployed, and more from looking at how I spend my time, and seeing so much waste.  This hour could have been spend writing. That hour could have been spend drawing pages, now I could be doing thumbnails.   

Or is it because I am lonely?  Am I?  I never wanted to think I was someone that needed people around all the time, but if I didn’t want to talk to people, why would I be on twitter all the time?  I certainly used it less back when I was in school, back when I had a room mate I could talk to, etc. Never doubt the value of a good friend in making your life feel fulfilled.  At the same time, standing next to the trees can be as comforting as a friend, and I am not in the city anymore.  More than anything, I think it’s just a lack of willpower, and allowing my brain this easy sense of pleasure that it doesn’t deserve. But then, am I cutting short the value of the people I interact with every day on the internet? 

I comfort myself the opposite way a lot of people do, as in, I cut things out of my life. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink alcohol or caffeine, and I try to avoid high fructose corn syrup, etc.  I can tell myself, “Oh, well at least I’m not doing THAT.  And I’m running.  My body too is running great,” and it makes me feel like I’m in control.  But what good is it if I’m not using this body to accomplish something?  If I can cut these things out, I can cut out other distractions.

I want to be around good friends, I want to accomplish things that fulfill me and contribute to the world, and someday be able to support myself. I can be happy on the road, I know I can, but right now I feel like I’m just sitting by the wayside watching the clouds pass, and I can’t just do that forever. It’s time to tighten my laces and start running, but this time not with my body.